An excerpt from my story, The Naivety

I met Luke - his name is really Lucas but I suppose it’s like how we call Bruce Banner, The Hulk instead of Bruce - in detention. I was completing my homework and Luke was probably doodling or staring into space. It’s all he ever does. 

There was a good hour to go but Luke had already slung his backpack over one shoulder and proceeded to march out.

“Hey,” I said. “We’ve still got an hour left.”

“Fuck that, I’m just gonna go, man”

“You’ll get in trouble, you know.”

I think it’s been ingrained in me to follow rules. If so, Luke’s response made it clear how he felt about them.

“Yeah, whatever. Tell Mr. Whatshisface ‘Fuck you’. I’m just here so they don’t call me in tomorrow and double my time.”

You’d think that for someone who doesn’t care for rules that Luke is perpetually in trouble but surprisingly he almost always gets away with everything. He has this seemingly amazing grace that sees him through and saves his little neck in time. As certainly as he said it, he managed to slip out of detention that first day we met with none (but me) the wiser. Heck, I bet he’d be able to get out of a zombie apocalypse without a scratch.

After that day, I gained a lot of respect for him so I decided to stick with him because I figured he could be useful. Luke had demonstrated in that first meeting that he wasn’t just against the system, he was the antichrist of rules. 

Over the years, our good boy/bad boy dynamic worked wonders because Luke would push the line and I’d tell him if he was going too far. Luke’s learned to appreciate how to let go sometimes and similarly, I’ve learned when I can stretch the rules. I think we make a good team if I say so myself. I wouldn’t ask Luke his opinion, he’s too caught up in himself for that.

Would they be loved just the same? Because there is no need to lie. Inevitably, slowly but surely, the boys will lose their flames; or to be more precise, be too on fire that they extinguish themselves in the blaze. Everything has an expiration date and I don’t see these lads making it very far. Sure they have now, but what about later? Will they leave an impact, a legacy? Probably not and for the best too. Because I’m not looking for temporary. I’m looking for infinite and permanent. I’m looking for someone to bring the shots that we will raise at the end of the world.

Because that’s what it means to live forever.

It was all in my power, everything was my decision to decide if it would affect me or no. It didn’t matter what has been said or what has been done. I only had to figure if it was worth it to push against a boulder that refused to budge. Like the Joker said, it’s what happens when ‘an unstoppable force meets an immovable object’. Except right now I had the decision to continue the pursuit or ultimately give up shoving against a very stubborn rock. It didn’t matter, the little things that never were didn’t matter, the big things that were didn’t matter.

All I had to now was to ensure that I was satisfied with the path, the direction I intended to follow. And where would that lead me? Somewhere new, somewhere untrodden, somewhere unexplored. And it excited me as much as a child lost in a shopping mall. The absence of his parents, his signposts, give him nothing to rely on but he actually, has the option to peruse whatever he wants on his own time and at his own leisure. It’s like holding your birthday gift and feeling so apprehensive that your palms start to sweat and and you drop the parcel. Because whether or not the gift breaks is an entirely different story. Right now, all that mattered was if I was happy.

I thought about it a little and I didn’t feel sad. In fact, I felt nothing. And it felt good. Finally for the first time, I felt free. I had nothing to hold me back, no doubts to clear. And I liked it. It made me happy.

And I was happy to be free. 

I haven’t got it all figured out
Sometimes it still hurts
Sometimes it still looks like a big mess
But for now, I’ll tell myself
Take it one day at a time
We still have the world ahead of us

Never mind that it doesn’t look too good right now
In the end, we will look back
And the big things will seem like such little things
And we will wonder why we cared so much
And we will wonder why they seemed so important
When the big things become the little things 

I watch in reverence
As you cross off these lines
You make happy look so easy

But the facade’s a mask
Underneath your disguise
The colours of your burdens
Suffocate your bright eyes
And I’d paint their shade on my walls
Because they simply lack lustre
And if I denied it, I’d run my mouth faster 

And as the bullets fall into the sea
My lungs collapse, from the sound of your retreat
And if I had, any semblance of respect
I’d call just to listen to your tired heart beat

But these hands are shaking, shaking fear
Cut me loose, make my smile disappear

I get this tingly feeling like I’m floating. My feet are still on the floor but I don’t feel it supporting me. The world doesn’t stop but I perceive everything with immense clarity. It’s like their outlines are so sharp that they have been burned into my retinas. My heart beats furiously, not just pumping blood but euphoria and hope as well. And in that moment, I felt like I could do anything and I wouldn’t fail. Like I was free and nothing would be able to stop me.

This is the choice that you have made
Don’t regret this now, it’s too late to turn back
And when we see you in therapy
The doctors will leave you no mercy

Don’t squint your eyes, boy
The sun is at your back
Walking into shadow
Don’t run from the attack

What happened to apathy
Is it lost in the ordinary?

The parade is marching forward
Don’t just follow them blind
You have been cast aside
This is where you raise your hand

This is how we incite a rebellion

Keep your shoulders facing forward
What’s with the fear of standing out
Don’t listen to their whispers
Leave their mutterings at the door
Keep yourself separated

Why are you so scared
Don’t turn back, you’ve come so far
Isn’t this what you wanted
For them to leave you alone
Won’t talk, won’t let them in
So you stand on your own

You are different
You are separate 

Why can’t you tell that
This is what you were made for
And when you lose all hope
Remember how I promise
That this will never last
It will all become the past

You aren’t confused or lost, just misguided
Hold my hand, I’ll lead you back home

Despair aches like the back of your neck
Don’t let worry peck off the splendour in your grin
As it slides off your face

And never mind the fear
This falls, rain like knives
No umbrella could fell
Maybe I’ve known that you 
Faster falling for me would fail undoubtedly

Remind me to call the doctor
And sew you under my skin
As I see your eyes
Red bleeding through
Not in a state I wouldn’t call melancholy

I never expected you to shy from your lies
So why are you hiding, keeping them from me
It’s not like you have anything to lose

I swear I won’t be sleeping too
So put your arms around me
And let’s keep it that way
Till the moon turns blue tonight

Bear south, draw the line
Bottoms down, open wide

I’ve found the cure for imsomnia - 
It’s not about falling asleep
It’s about dying for a moment
And coming back stronger
More alive than ever

It’s to push back the memories and
For once stop thinking about
The present and your problems
So that your past builds you up
Not tear you down

That’s why your eyes are in front
So you don’t look back